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By Chris Stevenson

Once in a while Alan Keyes' spaceship lands on earth. After one recent touchdown he received some startling news. While walking into his bedroom late one night, he wakes up his wife to tell her that he was a "Dollar Menu" guy, 'that's the way I roll,' he adds. Keyes wife has been miffed that he had been treating her pretty much the way he treats the rest of the country, by always giving her useless information. Speaking of roll, she figures this would be a good opportunity to break the news to him, 'Alan, our daughter's a lesbian. 'What's her name?' Keyes blurts, jumping off the bed choking on his Happy Meal. 'Alan, she's been wrestling with this for some time now.' Keyes is heard sucking down the last of his vanilla shake (his favorite flavor) through the straw, 'wrestling? Ohhhh, so she's one of those porn lesbians, well that's alright I guess. Don't worry honey we'll work our way through this, it's a good thing this didn't come out while I was campaigning against Cheney for the Illinois Senate.' 'Alan, you were running against Obama in Illinois, not Cheney.' 'Obama, who's he? Why do you always wait so long to tell me these things?'

You can thank your lucky stars that I was able to download that conversation through the use of one of the CIA's trusty spy satellites, actually 19-year-old Maya Marcel-Keyes made her official announcement at a Maryland gay rights rally during Valentines Day. Of course when you think of this revelation, you can't help but be reminded of the last time Keyes hired himself out to play buffoon in yet another self-derailed political campaign, and more specifically, how he did it. Keyes was a desperation candidate tapped by the IL GOP to run against that state's front-runner-and eventual winner-Barack Obama for the US Senate. Keyes accepted amidst cries of hypocrisy from the left because he is a native of Mars, or Maryland or someplace, and people remembered that he once vilified Hillary Clinton for being an out-of-state candidate running for Senator of New York. Unruffled by the facts, as he always is, Keyes kicked off his campaign at the Republican National Convention by verbally attacking the daughter of-not only a fellow party member, but-someone who many feel is the most powerful man in the country; Vice President Dick Cheney because-get this-he found out Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. Great going Alan.

Maya actually disclosed that her sexuality was creating a rift in her relationship with her parents. Not exactly babygirl, having a brain creates a rift in your family, especially where dad is concerned: "what she chooses to do has nothing to do with my work or political activities," said Keyes in a statement issued the following Monday on 2/14. Of course the same applies to Cheney too, right Keyes? Oh never mind. Actually given that I dislike most republicans, Keyes makes good comedy relief. It's because of him his little girl is now calling herself a "liberal queer" when her sexual preference shouldn't even be a public issue. No word yet as to how Keyes is plotting his next loss, but former NAACP head Kweisi Mfume-who stepped down to run for Senator of Maryland-joked on the Tom Joyner Show on 3/14 that he hopes Keyes runs against him. Though Keyes ran for both Maryland Senator ('92), and Governor ('98), consider him done for now, Keyes has burned his GOP supporters too often to be trusted with another major run.

Stevenson is a columnist for the Buffalo Criterion, and www.TheBrownWatch.com , his column Pointblank can be read at www.voiceoffreedom.com, email comments to Stevenson at pointblankdta@yahoo.com